Voicemail lost my jello phone in the linen closet - Beckley, Bluefield & Lewisburg News, Weather, Sports

Voicemail lost my jello phone in the linen closet

Posted: Updated:
Lynne D. Schwabe Lynne D. Schwabe
  • Local NewsLocal NewsMore>>

  • Friends of McDowell County Train Fatality speak out, Ask for Donations

    Friends of McDowell County Train Fatality speak out, Ask for Donations

    Friday, August 22 2014 7:46 PM EDT2014-08-22 23:46:55 GMT
    Tragedy strikes on train tracks in southern West Virginia. One person is dead and two others hurt after coming too close to a train in McDowell County.
    Tragedy strikes on train tracks in southern West Virginia. One person is dead and two others hurt after coming too close to a train in McDowell County.
  • NEW DETAILS: Tips leads to sex offender's capture in Princeton

    NEW DETAILS: Tips leads to sex offender's capture in Princeton

    Friday, August 22 2014 6:22 PM EDT2014-08-22 22:22:55 GMT
    State Troopers out of Princeton, WV confirmed that they are looking for Christopher Lee Tolliver, a registered sex offender. Tolliver was scheduled to have a preliminary hearing on Tuesday Aug. 19, 2014, but failed to show up.
    State Troopers out of Princeton, WV confirmed that they are looking for Christopher Lee Tolliver, a registered sex offender. Tolliver was scheduled to have a preliminary hearing on Tuesday Aug. 19, 2014, but failed to show up.
  • Family left homeless in Raysal, McDowell County after a fire rips through their house

    Family left homeless in Raysal, McDowell County after a fire rips through their house

    Friday, August 22 2014 6:19 PM EDT2014-08-22 22:19:25 GMT
    A fire late Thursday night leaves a family in McDowell County homeless. Everyone was able to get out of the home in Raysal safely, but a friend of the family, who saved their dog, told us it was a very close call.
    A fire late Thursday night leaves a family in McDowell County homeless. Everyone was able to get out of the home in Raysal safely, but a friend of the family, who saved their dog, told us it was a very close call.
  • ColumnsMore>>

  • As an energy leader, WV needs champions

    As an energy leader, WV needs champions

    Friday, August 22 2014 6:00 AM EDT2014-08-22 10:00:16 GMT
    The Marcellus Shale affords West Virginia the chance to become an energy leader on a global stage. This requires West Virginia to reinvent itself as a multi-dimensional energy state that is agile and capable of having its industries seize opportunities on a moment's notice.
    The Marcellus Shale affords West Virginia the chance to become an energy leader on a global stage. This requires West Virginia to reinvent itself as a multi-dimensional energy state that is agile and capable of having its industries seize opportunities on a moment's notice.
  • CindySays™...

    CindySays™...

    Friday, August 22 2014 6:00 AM EDT2014-08-22 10:00:16 GMT
    It may be over-used, but the freshman 15 is one way of describing the extra pounds gained by guys and girls during their first year in college.
    It may be over-used, but the freshman 15 is one way of describing the extra pounds gained by guys and girls during their first year in college.
  • Stink bug extinction methods abound; don't try them all at once

    Stink bug extinction methods abound; don't try them all at once

    Wednesday, August 20 2014 9:00 AM EDT2014-08-20 13:00:20 GMT
    I missed the Plague of Locusts. Just so that I didn't feel left out, the universe sent me earwigs: slim insects that look like a stealth bomber with pinchers. They don't bite (don't know what the pinchers are for) and especially like damp places, the shower being particularly enticing for them. They like to congregate en masse in one's house, which is seriously creepy.
    I missed the Plague of Locusts. Just so that I didn't feel left out, the universe sent me earwigs: slim insects that look like a stealth bomber with pinchers. They don't bite (don't know what the pinchers are for) and especially like damp places, the shower being particularly enticing for them. They like to congregate en masse in one's house, which is seriously creepy.

Lynne D. Schwabe was owner of Schwabe-May of Charleston, ran her own marketing consulting firm and is a nationally recognized motivational speaker. She has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Women's Wear Daily, and has appeared on CNBC's Power Lunch. She is now director of development for the National Youth Science Foundation. She can be reached at schwabestatejournal@gmail.com.

I am of an age that makes it socially acceptable to be a Luddite. I am not a total Luddite; I use a computer, an iPhone and an iPad, although not necessarily well. However, the automated voicemail at my office has me stumped, as it garbles any message almost beyond recognition. To add insult to injury, I get the messages on my cellphone as well as via email. So I can hear the gobbledegook, then I can read it too! Really! Technology at work!

Take, for example, this message I received yesterday: Hello, this is Nancy. It's received your email and wondered how big how big is it because if dad comes of course I'd love for him to stay there. Family of 5 how Vegas is spouse.

Luckily I knew who Nancy is and could call her. But try to figure these out:

 

  • With you had notified us of that delegates probably the use fine stamp would be in June. We would need to house 20 sticks and we are having out of town gas at that time. We will I'm able to participate this by Steve this long list for next year Frank.
  • This is your personal inferred discussed Friday.
  • Hi my name is Bonnie when I'm the deli and more than that and then I am going.
  • You anyway larry look on thanks the nice note. Cut the briefcase came on your previous, so I wanna ask your wife all to myself with long and I regret hello just crazy. We was that call.
  • I was wrong when I said was ok if you get those Sally account of them and you the whole quote. It turns out the trouble to your. I don't do it.
  • Ellis Senior Associate Pastor from the ocean.
  • Model pond sweating maybe use towels? Talk about gym rings total exhaust hunky guy. Bring bags.
  • Down with the newspaper and east Tennessee coming 1 of the deli it's bill feature story on her from harden valley academy palmer cleeson give information. Tried 1 number I didn't it wouldn't go through I need to my name is Alice won't forget this newspaper. 
  • We've been getting to Mr. Phillip the warner 16704 pharmacy and way admin Oklahoma.

 

I tried to test the system by sending my boss this message: I've locked myself in the linen closet and I'm afraid I might asphyxiate. Delivered, this message translated to: I lost my jello phone in the linen closet and I afraid I might add 58.

So, at present I know from my messages that someone needs to house 20 sticks and that someone has gas. I know that Bonnie is at a deli and about to leave. I understand that someone wants my wife all to himself (I might mention I don't have a wife) who might just be crazy. I get that I don't do something that gives trouble to your Sally account and that your personal inferred will be discussed Friday. Finally, some pastor is or might be in trouble in the ocean.

All of this gives me pause. I mean, how can I call up someone and ask about his out-of-town gas? And should I disabuse Larry who wants my wife of that notion but refer him to someone else? I want to give good customer service, but untangling these messages is giving me a headache. Of course, I'll call the Hunky Guy number, being interested in all things Hunky. Hope the bags I'm supposed to bring are not the ones under my eyes. As for down with newspaper and East Tennessee and harden valley academy palmer cleeson, I just give up. And the call back number from this message was 32 digets. Impossible!

I pray that voicemail's vaunted self-correction system kicks in because I really hope that needed adjustments to the system are made overall. I am voting for understandable English. Because as my voicemail would say now: I mostly lick your corpulence and hope that this time you will opt to hit and cake denuded colorectal tires Istanbul.